in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
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I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
My friend is an excellent librarian.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
john wicks are toilet candles
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw