My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
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I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
We need more people like this.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Was it something I said?
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.