worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
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I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
If I ignore life will it go away?
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.