Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
You Might Also Like
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
who did the taste test?
dude it’s called proctologist
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
When I snag the last meatball.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
When I grow up, I want to be 16
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no