a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
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Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
(Gaming support cat.)
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
A classic example of a cat being a cat.