Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
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Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a