Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
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oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
sensitive skin
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)