Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
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vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever