*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
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I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.