My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
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*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white