We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
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There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”