As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
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Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.