Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
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7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.