Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
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I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
can’t believe I got front row seats
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
philosophical skeletons be like
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”