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[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?