I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
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*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.