The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
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i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
My hips? Compulsive liars.