“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
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*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
this is the greatest thing ever
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.