i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
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My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..