My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
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its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”