Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
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Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.