I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
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Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!