walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
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Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
the simulation is moving too fast
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.