Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
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I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
We are the people our parents warned us about.