*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
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*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front