ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
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“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Always the camel, never the toe.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”