The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
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💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no