Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
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“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
How all things should be taught/explained.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
This is my pinned tweet
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.