I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
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The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real