*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
You Might Also Like
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL