I already tried new things thanks.
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Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Where is your GOD now????
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
CRYING
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER