Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
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How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like