Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
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Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob