5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
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Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
what are they serving at kfc then???
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST