When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
You Might Also Like
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
I’d … I’d rather not.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”