My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
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guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.