[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
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HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
i baked you a cake
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers