a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
You Might Also Like
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
My dog ate my work from home.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?