I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
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“Sheer Arrogance”
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts