Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
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I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Who did it better?
Bit chilly again tonight.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much