1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
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Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.