me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
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Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
just witnessed a drug deal
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no