Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
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My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
honestly, i need both: