Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
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I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight