Okay, I’m still confused…
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WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
WHY would you be happy about this?
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?