You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
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netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.