[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
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Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.