No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
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It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Did…did a minotaur write this
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
#Caturday
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”