Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
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My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
new shirt idea
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.