[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
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FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.